I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
