he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
