He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
