i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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