Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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