yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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