@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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