I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
