i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
ttyl tear gas
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
