I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
