I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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