I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
