He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
