I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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