Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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