2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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