There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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