I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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