pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
