Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
