I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
