my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
