before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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