Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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