Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
