I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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