so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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