Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you never un-have a 4some
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