My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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