if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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