I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
