He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
