I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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