I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
