There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
