so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
