i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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