Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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