u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
