I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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