Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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