his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
