worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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