don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
