dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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