Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
