So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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