dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
