Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
