That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
