So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
