umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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