Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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